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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27087142">Game Over</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale'>mean_whale</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Death Note (Anime &amp; Manga)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Abusive Relationships, Angst, F/M, Fights, Gender or Sex Swap, Getting Together, Injury, Kissing, Panic Attacks, Past Relationship(s), Rape, Rape Recovery, Sex, mello has anger issues</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2010-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2010-01-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-09 02:42:14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Rape/Non-Con</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>11,633</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/27087142</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Mello returns to Matt's life after leaving without a word and discovers that it's not as easy as she anticipated.</p><p>Prompt: girl!Mello/ anyone. Anons feel free to add any kinks they like, as long as it has a genderswitched Mello.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Matt | Mail Jeevas/Mello | Mihael Keehl, Mello | Mihael Keehl/Original Character(s)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Game Over</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I wrote this fic for the Death Note anonymous kink meme way back when. Very minor edits, I just fixed the most obvious typos.</p><p>
  <a href="http://dn-kink2.livejournal.com/1491.html?thread=469203#t469203">Original post</a>
</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>1.</p><p>How did it end up like this? Best friends acting like complete strangers. The atmosphere couldn’t get any more awkward. Matt was staring out the window, stirring his coffee with the shiny spoon, a package of cigarettes next to his hand all ready to be smoked as soon as he’d gotten out of there. Mello tried to make eye contact with him, but he wouldn’t look at her.</p><p>So, Mello turned her gaze out of the window too. The weather was gray, the clouds hanging low. The few passers-by had their umbrellas ready to be used. Mello couldn’t think of a better weather to describe the situation. There probably was no hope left. She would have to give up on this option and think of another solution.</p><p>She remembered what it used to be like. The two of them hiding from the others and cuddling, just because it felt good. Mello would bully the other kids and Matt wouldn’t do anything but play his games. Then they would both run away, hide behind secret doors and sit on the floor until it was getting dark and Roger started to worry. They would sit in dark rooms where the only source of light was Matt’s handheld console. They grew older but neither of them changed. Mello would still play jokes on others and then they’d have to hide until everyone had forgotten their anger. The room would stay dark because Matt had forgotten about his games to concentrate on Mello’s tiny body that was so different from his own.</p><p>If only he would still smile at her with the careless smile, if only he was here instead of travelling somewhere far away. What had changed? Mello wasn’t sure. Time had taken over their lives. They hadn’t been in contact for years. Of course, it would be different. Matt looked different, his hair had grown and the clothes he wore were so unlike the child Matt she used to know.</p><p>Of course, she had changed too. She wished she knew what Matt had thought when he first saw her in the alley.</p><p>Matt probably didn’t like the way she looked right now. Even if he despised her, he would look at her body if, on some level, it turned him on. Mello felt an urge to sigh but repressed it.</p><p>“I need to take a leak,” Matt said and got up.</p><p>Mello watched him go. For a moment she was considering leaving. He would come back and have to pay the bill. She could order something expensive before going. That would be what the bastard deserved.</p><p>Matt didn’t really deserve a revenge of any kind. It was all her fault for being so distant. He had been her best friend after all. She hated her incapability to talk him into this. She had thought about it, she knew exactly what to say when she was heading to the alley. As soon as they had sat down with their cups, she had forgotten everything. There was absolutely nothing she could say. Nothing would change the fact that he didn’t see her as a friend anymore. Maybe he was bitter over the fact that she had stayed silent for so long.</p><p>Mello got up and headed for the exit. Then, suddenly, she changed her direction and strode to the toilets. She opened to door to the men’s room and locked it behind her. Quite luckily Matt was there alone. He looked at her indifferently.</p><p>“So you decided to spend the rest of the day here,” Mello said and got a bit closer. “I see. What were you trying to achieve? Make me get bored and leave?”</p><p>“I know you,” Matt said, but added with hesitation, “at least I used to.”</p><p>Matt didn’t look at her. She stared at him with a piercing look, trying to see past the walls he had built between the two of them.</p><p>“You’re not the kind of person who runs away,” Matt said.</p><p>“Of course I’m not!” Mello spat. “Only cowards run away, and I am not a coward. You, on the other hand, came here to hide from me. I wonder what that tells me about you.”</p><p>“If you think that was a cowardly act, you’re not looking at it from the correct point of view,” Matt said.</p><p>“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Mello asked.</p><p>Matt didn’t say anything. He slid down the wall to sit on the floor. Mello was still staring at him.</p><p>“What do you want from me?” Matt asked.</p><p>Mello felt startled.</p><p>“You know it very well,” she said. “That’s the only thing we’ve been talking about today.”</p><p>“But why me? You could ask anyone you want. You could easily get someone more useful to help you. Don’t you remember what I’m like? I’m just the guy with the games. I even dream about games.”</p><p><em>What are you thinking right now</em>? Mello asked him silently.</p><p>They didn’t say anything for a while. As the silence grew thicker between them Mello felt more and more anxious. Soon, she couldn’t take it anymore and she would explode. She should do something to prevent that. She didn’t want to have to spend all her savings for fixing the bathroom.</p><p>“Why are you like that?” Mello almost shrieked.</p><p>Matt didn’t say anything. Mello got closer to him. In a corner of her mind a little thought was laughing at the image of her looming over Matt like a thunderstorm ready to throw a lightning at him.</p><p>“What the fuck is your problem?” she shouted.</p><p>She had crabbed Matt’s collar unthinkingly. She let go of him and backed off.</p><p>“I could ask you the same,” Matt said.</p><p>His face hadn’t changed a bit and he still wasn’t looking at her. Mello took a deep breath to calm down her heart that was beating much more rapidly than it was supposed to. Images of Matt kept flooding her mind. Matt looking straight through her when he said hi, Matt focusing on his cigarettes instead of her words, Matt staring out of the window and sipping his coffee like he was there all alone. How much different he used to be, looking into her eyes when she was sucking him off, tangling his fingers in her hair, whispering in her ear as they lay next to each other in the darkness.</p><p>“What do you mean?” Mello asked, her voice dripping with despise.</p><p>Matt took his time before saying anything. He spoke slowly, his voice was very quiet, and Mello had to really focus if she wanted to hear him.</p><p>“You leave without telling me and disappear for years before contacting me,” he said. “And the only thing you want to ask me is if I would help you with whatever it is you’re doing.”</p><p>“And what the fuck is wrong with that?” Mello asked.</p><p>“Fuck this,” Matt spat and suddenly got up.</p><p>“Where do you think you’re going?” Mello shouted.</p><p>She took hold of Matt and wouldn’t let him move. She forced him against the wall and looked straight into his eyes. She felt anger building inside her, she really wanted to see him suffer, she wanted to see his bloody face looking up to her and begging for forgiveness. Mello saw it in her mind, Matt lying on the floor, raising his fearful eyes while a single tear forces it way through the blood on his cheek. And he looks at her, he looks at her with that face and suddenly she’s staring at herself.</p><p>Mello jumped and shook her head. <em>Stop thinking about things like that, you stupid bitch!</em></p><p>Slowly she pressed her body against Matt’s. His body felt the same it had before, she could feel some of his bones against her hips. She let her gaze travel up from Matt’s chest to his eyes. He looked at her direction but not into her eyes.</p><p>“I’m still the same,” Mello said quietly.</p><p>“Yeah, I can see that,” Matt said. “So you never got rid of your violent behaviour.”</p><p>And Mello’s fist contacted with Matt’s face. His head hit the wall with a loud thump. Matt fell to the floor, a single whimper escaping his lips. Slowly he sat up. He leaned against the wall, hanging his head low. Mello was looking at him with mixed feelings of horror and satisfaction. The bastard had been begging for it.</p><p>“I’m sorry,” Mello said. “Are you alright?”</p><p>She bent down to see his face, but Matt pushed her hand aside. He stood up.</p><p>“I’m going now,” he said.</p><p>Mello wasn’t sure where she had hit him exactly. His lip was torn letting a little stream of blood run down his chin, his cheek was getting swollen, and the corner of his eye was turning dark.</p><p>She let him go. She listened to his footsteps echoing, the door being opened and closed, the imperfect silence of the empty room. Someone opened the door.</p><p>“Excuse me,” a voice said, “this is the men’s room.”</p><p>Mello stormed out. She was feverishly wiping the tears away. The cashier didn’t seem to realize that two customers had just left without paying. Mello was almost running. She didn’t know where she was going. She didn’t care.</p><p>It was drizzling. Only a few people were trailing the streets. The clouds seemed ominous, like they were coming down.</p><p>Mello stopped. She had ended up on a dark alley that looked similar to the one where she had met Matt today. All the alleys looked the same. All the people were the same. Nothing mattered, why did she bother to try?</p><p>She sat down on the damp ground, holding her head in her hands. Cold shivers travelled up her spine and came out of her eyes as tears. The salty water dripped on her leather clad knees. If only she could cry enough to form a sea and then drown in her own sorrow.</p><p>But she wasn’t sad. Surely not.</p><p>She stood up. She could feel the angry face she was now making. She hit the brick wall.</p><p>Her hand hurting and dripping little drops of blood she walked away. She didn’t know where she was anymore. She kept walking, even though her feet were getting sore. She wasn’t used to high heels. Low heels were much more useful. She hadn’t even had a pair of high heeled shoes before she had bought these the previous day.</p><p>2.</p><p>It was getting late and she was still unbelievably lost. She came across a shabby bar that seemed perfect for escaping the chilly weather. The clientele seemed to consist mostly of middle-aged greasy men. There was also a younger man whose clean appearance stood out in a place like that.</p><p>Mello tried to stop thinking about Matt’s face. The look on it had been severely hurt when he had passed Mello by. She had seen that face before, always after she had hit him. He would look at her, obviously not believing that she was capable of hurting someone she liked. His eyes would fill with tears of happiness as she would bend down and hug him, hold him close and stroke his back.</p><p>This time he hadn’t given her the chance to apologize. She was starting to understand that this day could have dawned any time if she hadn’t left. No matter how strongly Matt felt about their friendship he would, at some point, reach the limit. At some point, he wouldn’t forgive her anymore because time after time she would do it again. Even though she practically begged for forgiveness, even though she promised, she swore she would never hurt him again, she would do it again. Again and again, she lost her temper for even the smallest reasons. And she knew it.</p><p>“Is this seat taken?” asked an unfamiliar voice.</p><p>Mello looked up. It was the clean man she had noticed before.</p><p>“I couldn’t help noticing how lonely you looked here,” he said and winked his eye.</p><p>How cheap, Mello thought to herself. She was just about to tell him to fuck off when she changed her mind and told him to sit down.</p><p>“I’m Thomas,” the man said. “What is your name, if I may inquire?”</p><p>“What do you think my name is, Thomas?” Mello asked.</p><p>She smiled sweetly. Thomas’ gestures were those of a man who was filled with his own ego. Now that he was closer, she could tell that his clothes were made of cheap fabric by someone who couldn’t really sew.</p><p>“It has to be something as beautiful as you are,” Thomas said with a dreamy voice. “I bet it’s Isabel.”</p><p>Mello gave a soft laugh.</p><p>“You must be some kind of a psychic, Tom. Do you mind if I call you Tom? My name really is Isabel. But you can call me Bell.”</p><p>“It’s a pleasure to meet a woman like you, Bell. I don’t mind you calling me Tom. You could call me anything you wanted to.”</p><p>Mello could feel a misty look forming into her eyes. She was now becoming Isabel, better known as Bell.</p><p>“The pleasure is all mine, Tom,” she said.</p><p>Her voice was husky but hadn’t lost its sharpness.</p><p>“What is a woman like you doing in a place like this at this hour?” Tom asked.</p><p>“What do you mean, Tom? A woman like me? What am I like?”</p><p>Tom let his hand crawl next to hers. His fingers brushed her wrist.</p><p>“Such high-class women are usually seen somewhere classier,” Tom said.</p><p>“I’m not one of those fragile little birds who can’t do anything on their own,” Mello said.</p><p>“But why would such a beauty want to come to a place like this?” Tom asked again.</p><p>Mello bit her lower lip gently. Her face glowed with embarrassment.</p><p>“In fact,” she said, now more shyly than before, “I got lost. And it was getting cold.”</p><p>“I see,” Tom said. “After all you are a lady in trouble.”</p><p>“I suppose so,” Mello said.</p><p><em>What on earth is he trying to pull</em>? Mello thought. He answered her question soon.</p><p>“I could take you home,” he said. “I have a car with me, so it won’t be a problem at all.”</p><p>Mello hesitated for a moment. The guy seemed to be soft, she could probably beat him if necessary. She really wished she had taken the gun with her. She must have lost her mind. What kind of an idiot didn’t take their gun with them if they were in a situation like hers?</p><p>“It would be nice, Tom,” she said, “but I wouldn’t want to cause you any trouble. I can probably find my way back on my own.”</p><p>“Even if you could, it would most likely take you much longer than with me.”</p><p>He was right.</p><p>“If you’re quite sure it won’t trouble you,” she said.</p><p>Her face was blushing. It was important to look prudish.</p><p>3.</p><p>It had been raining while they were sitting in the bar. Now the ground was glisteningly wet, and the grey clouds slowly sailed above them. Tom was leading her to his car. Even when he walked, he looked too proud to be real.</p><p>Mello was wondering how Matt was doing. His face had seemed so terrible. She had hit him much worse before, but it had been such a long time she had already forgotten how awful it felt to see him suffer.</p><p>She bumped into Tom who had suddenly stopped. They were standing in a dark lane that appeared to be a dead end.</p><p>“What the fuck is this?” Mello asked, anger growing inside her.</p><p>“We’re here,” Tom said.</p><p>He turned around to face Mello. His face looked different, all the slick gestures were gone, his smile wasn’t so smooth anymore, it had turned into a grin. All of a sudden, Mello felt afraid.</p><p>How stupid could she possibly be? Of course, a guy like that wouldn’t be up to any good.</p><p>Mello tried to tell herself to calm down. She could still run away.</p><p>So, she did.</p><p>She didn’t get far before his arms wrapped around her. She tried to wriggle away, tried to hit him, but he was stronger than he had looked. Mello could feel his hot breath flow over her ear. She was starting to feel sick.</p><p>“Where are you going?” he asked. “Isn’t this exactly what you wanted? If you’re dressed up like a hooker, you must want to get laid.”</p><p>He trapped her mouth with his hand to prevent her from screaming. He trapped her between a wall and himself. His free hand immediately tore open her pants. She tried to kick him, she tried to bite the hand on her mouth, she tried to do anything to get free. He opened his own pants now, exposing his already hard cock. He forced her legs open with his knee and before she had time to do anything, she could feel the cock entering her.</p><p>She was dry. This obviously wasn’t one of the situations that would turn her on. Her body started to paralyze. The cock banging into her wasn’t that big, but it still hurt her. She closed her eyes. She didn’t want to witness the worst moment of her life.</p><p>His breath was ragged, and he uttered incoherent words into her ear. His disgusting lips trailed her neck and every now and then she felt the touch of the slick tip of his tongue.</p><p>“Bell,” he kept repeating over and over again.</p><p>That’s right. This wasn’t happening to her. This was happening to the girl called Bell. Poor Bell. She would spend the rest of her life terrified of men because of one unlucky incident in her youth.</p><p>He came soon. Spurts of his semen shot inside her and she wanted to throw up so bad.</p><p>When he let go of her she fell to the ground. She couldn’t feel her body anymore. It wasn’t Mello lying there on the cold asphalt. She didn’t exist anymore. She heard his footsteps rush away.</p><p>“My name isn’t Bell,” she said after him.</p><p>He was gone.</p><p>Mello couldn’t move. She was wondering how long it would take before someone would find her. Maybe the person to discover her would be a dirty old man and fuck her before leaving her here to wait again. Maybe it would take days, numerous rapes tearing her soul apart, and then she would die and Matt would never know how much it hurt to lose him.</p><p>Mello felt her consciousness wavering. She should get out of there before she’d freeze to death. Her cheek was pressing on a sharp stone. She could see her right hand, the torn knuckles that didn’t bleed anymore. If only she could now just get up and destroy herself. She would do it. She should do it.</p><p>She tried to get up but could hardly even move her fingers. She burst into tears, unable to think about anything but herself as a bloody pulp on the wet ground.</p><p>Time was passing by. She had no idea how fast it was going. It felt like years had passed, but in reality, it could have been seconds. She had finally gotten her hand into her pocket and was now holding her phone close to her face. She was still crying helplessly as she tried to get her fingers to function properly. She was still crying when she could finally press the green button.</p><p>She was still crying when Matt picked up.</p><p>He didn’t say anything. Mello knew it was her turn to tell him.</p><p>“Matt, I need you. Please,” was all she could manage with the sobs swaying her voice.</p><p>“You know what,” Matt said. “I don’t want to be your dog. I don’t want to be the person you contact when there’s no one left. I’m not going to help you with this.”</p><p>Mello couldn’t say anything for a moment.</p><p>“Please. Help me. I think I’m dying.”</p><p>There was silence.</p><p>“What’s going on?” Matt asked.</p><p>Mello couldn’t say anything anymore. She couldn’t hold the phone in her hands any longer. It fell to the ground with a harsh sound. She could still hear Matt’s voice from the speaker, but she didn’t understand what he was saying. His voice guided her to a sweet state of unconsciousness.</p><p>4.</p><p>When Mello woke up it was raining. She was still lying on the cold ground half naked, her phone next to her head. She still couldn’t move well enough to get up. She managed to crab the phone. The battery was running low, but she had to do something.</p><p>Matt picked up almost immediately.</p><p>“Mello,” he said. “Tell me where you are and what’s wrong. I’ll come help you.”</p><p>“Matt,” she said quietly. “I don’t know where I am. My throat is sore. I think this is the end.”</p><p>“Stop speaking nonsense!” Matt said. “Do you have any idea of your whereabouts? Anything at all?”</p><p>“I went to a dirty bar,” Mello said.</p><p>The pain in her throat was growing stronger as she spoke.</p><p>“Dirty as if a strip club or something that need a good clean-up?” Matt asked.</p><p>“Clean-up,” Mello said. “There’s no point. You’ll never find me.”</p><p>“Is this one of your games, Mello? ‘Cause if it is, I swear to God I’m going to–”</p><p>Mello let the phone fall to the ground along with her hand. She should have told him her battery was low. It didn’t really matter. She could feel a fever taking over her. She would die a disgraceful death here on an empty street. Road. Alley.</p><p>Because she was going to die anyway, she could stop trying to save herself. Mello decided it would be the best to just fall asleep and let death take her away. Rain had been pouring on her for such a long time she couldn’t tell if she was still crying. She had already started to decompose, she was no more, there was just an empty street – alley – and the rain.</p><p>5.</p><p>She woke up to the feeling of someone touching her hips. The rain had stopped, and she knew that the water running down her cheeks was coming from her eyes. Had she been crying in her sleep?</p><p>“Don’t,” she whispered.</p><p>“It’s okay, Mello,” said Matt’s voice. “I’m here to save you.”</p><p>“Matt,” Mello said.</p><p>Her voice was so weak.</p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t find you earlier,” Matt said. “I’m so sorry. I was trying to get here before it was too late, but this is such a big city, you know. There are way too many places to look from.”</p><p>“It’s alright,” Mello said. “You did your best.”</p><p>Her body felt funny. She felt lighter than before.</p><p>“I loved you,” Matt said. “I loved you so much. I’m sorry I was such a jerk. I should have forgiven you and let you seduce me. We should have gone on together; we would have had sex every night and every morning and we would have spoiled each other with our love.”</p><p>“I forgive you,” Mello said.</p><p>She looked at her legs, except they weren’t there. Her legs had turned to dust that was now quickly turning to asphalt. She could feel it happening. Then she realized the funny feeling had been her upper body starting to turn to dust too.</p><p>“Matt,” she said. “Could you kiss me once more?”</p><p>And Matt bowed his head, lips met lips and suddenly he was gone. The rain poured on her disappearing body and she knew it was Matt, making love to her for the last time.</p><p>6.</p><p>Mello woke up to a horrible voice. It wouldn’t stop. It took her a while to understand it was herself screaming. The knuckles of her right hand were bleeding again. She must have been hitting the ground while she was asleep. Her whole body was aching, her throat was on fire, and the only thing she could do was to scream her lungs out.</p><p>She couldn’t cry anymore. She had run out of extra water in her body. She was so thirsty she thought she’d dry out before the fever would turn out to be fatal. It was still raining a bit. She opened her mouth to suppress her thirst.</p><p>Mello wasn’t sure if she was awake or asleep. She listened to the sounds around her. The drops of rain made soft sounds when they hit the ground. Somewhere behind the abandoned houses there was a road packed with cars.</p><p>She noticed her phone had been smashed. She must have broken it herself. She wondered what it had sounded like, when flesh met plastic, when the plastic cracked open and left a little piece of it inside the flesh as a reminder of the sin it had committed.</p><p>Footsteps could be heard from somewhere far away. They hurried to their destination, wherever that was.</p><p>Mello felt a new stabbing pain on her palm. The scream she had been able to tame for a while now got loose with all the power of an angry wild animal. There was no part of her that didn’t feel pain. Even all her thoughts were painful. She was hoping she could fall asleep again, let the dreams take her away until she would be either saved or gone forever.</p><p>The footsteps were now coming closer. She looked at the shape walking towards her. To her astonishment it was an angel. The angel came closer to her, a calm expression on her face.</p><p>“Have you come to take me away?” Mello asked.</p><p>“Don’t worry,” the angel said.</p><p>The she just smiled at her. Her hair was brown and her face very skinny. The eyes looking into hers were hidden behind goggles.</p><p>“Mello!” she heard a voice call her.</p><p>“I am dead,” she said. “Now I understand.”</p><p>She felt a slap on her cheek. That dragged her back to reality.</p><p>Matt was holding her. He was slowly pulling her pants back up. Mello could do nothing but lean her head on his chest.</p><p>“How did you find me?” Mello asked.</p><p>“Shh. Don’t say anything. Just rest,” Matt said. “It was a lucky guess, really. I figured it must have been somewhere quite close to the place where we met. In fact, I didn’t think it could be this far away. Anyway, there weren’t that many weird bars around. It was quite easy to find the right one.”</p><p>Mello wasn’t certain if she could understand everything Matt was telling her. The rain was becoming heavy again. Matt wrapped her in a warm coat and lifted her up, even though she must have been heavy for his skinny arms.</p><p>7.</p><p>Some days it was nearly impossible for her to say whether what she saw and heard was true or not. She could sense the mafia become suspicious but didn’t care. It was none of their damn business. Then she’d tell them to fuck off and storm out, go to bed and cry herself to sleep. Her dreams were either colourful and silent or loud and black and white. When she woke up in the morning, everything seemed grey until Matt had peeked into her room and made sure she was still alive.</p><p>She could have been alone. The only times when she realized she wasn’t, were when Matt silently greeted her in the morning and when he silently told her to have a good night. Some days Mello really wanted him to leave her alone, some days she was hoping he would abandon his solitude and come to her.</p><p>Mello had always been so strong. Losing all her strength all of a sudden made her dizzy. The mafia was starting to realize she wasn’t completely there anymore. What would she do if she couldn’t make sure she had them under her control? What would she do if she couldn’t hold the gun with steady hands and tell the bastards she could kill them without hesitation? She had dreams about hairy men in a cage and she was holding the key until she fainted, and the men ran away. In the middle of the night she would wake up sweaty and make sure her gun was there right next to her. She would hold it next to her heart and sleep restlessly for the rest of the night.</p><p>Then came the day when she had to break the silence. Matt was sitting on the couch, playing a game that said “beep” every time he did something right and “boo” every time he screwed up. For a moment she just stood there, leaning on the frame of the door. Pale light from Matt’s game made him look sick and skinnier than he really was.</p><p>“You’ll ruin your eyes, playing in such darkness,” Mello said and turned the lights on.</p><p>Matt mumbled something and kept playing feverishly. Mello walked closer to him. She looked at the little characters moving around on the screen. They were little furry balls that had ugly eyes and Matt was killing them one by one.</p><p>They didn’t move. Every now and then Mello heard Matt’s breath change when he was getting into trouble. Every time he survived. His fingers moved relentlessly on the buttons, he thought about the next move before making it, and yet he did not make his character stop for even one moment.</p><p>GAME OVER</p><p>Matt sighed. He had been two points away from his last record.</p><p>“What do you want?” he asked then.</p><p>He was still pushing the little colourful buttons.</p><p>“I need to tell you something,” Mello said.</p><p>She put the flowerpot away from the chair and sat down.</p><p>“Why do you still have that plant here?” Matt asked. “It seems to me it has died quite some time ago.”</p><p>“Listen,” Mello said. “Tomorrow I’m going to do something that might end up with me dead.”</p><p>“And what does this have to do with me?”</p><p>Mello looked at Matt’s indifferent face that was still staring at the little screen.</p><p>“I just thought it would be fair to let you know I might not be coming back. You can stay here if you like, though. I own this apartment.”</p><p>Then she got up and walked away.</p><p>Later in the night she heard something break. She peeked to the living room and saw Matt standing next to the flowerpot which was now broken. He didn’t hold anything in his hands, there were no lights from screens, now sounds from little speakers. Mello closed the door silently and fell asleep.</p><p>8.</p><p>
  <em>She returns two days later.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Matt is asleep on the couch. There are empty pizza boxes next to him. The room smells dusty and the curtains aren’t drawn. She turns on the lights and Matt twitches in his sleep, rubs his nose and keeps dreaming.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Mello slowly walks across the room to the bathroom.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It burns.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>It burns.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>She wants it to be over.</em>
</p><p>9.</p><p>Mello woke up. Sunshine was playing on her sheets. The window was open. Her blanket had almost fallen on the floor. She could feel every lump on her mattress. The room seemed darker than usual.</p><p>She sat up. The door was open, but she couldn’t hear anything.</p><p>All of a sudden, she felt vulnerable. She didn’t know if she was alone. She didn’t know what day it was, what time it was or what month it was. She had no idea how long she’d been asleep.</p><p>She couldn’t even tell for sure whether this was reality or just a dream.</p><p>Matt walked in. He stopped by the threshold and glanced at her before walking straight to the window. He closed it and arranged the curtains so that they looked flowing and neat. Then he looked almost at her.</p><p>“You should lie down,” he said.</p><p>“Why? What day is it? For how long have I been here unconscious? I have to go.”</p><p>Mello stood up but quickly Matt was there next to her. He grabbed her and forced her back to bed.</p><p>When had she become so weak? If she couldn’t even fight Matt of all people, how was she ever going to survive in this world?</p><p>It was then that she realized there was something wrong.</p><p>Matt wouldn’t look at her. She could only see half as well as she used to. She realized there was something covering her left eye.</p><p>She could see her body. The left side of her body was covered in bandages.</p><p>“What happened to me?” she asked.</p><p>Matt didn’t say anything. He bit his lip and looked out of the window.</p><p>Mello didn’t want to cry in front of him, didn’t want to cry about something so stupid. She wanted to shout and scream, tell him what a lowlife he was. As she was getting ready to say something, Matt gently took her right hand into his own. He stroked it for a while, not looking at her, he stroked it in silence.</p><p>“You should rest,” he said.</p><p>Then he let go and walked away.</p><p>“I’ll get you some water,” she heard him say from the next room.</p><p>Mello didn’t say anything. She couldn’t remember what had happened. Everything seemed so peaceful there, what could have possibly gone wrong? She was trying to remember, but the more her thoughts moved around in her mind the more she felt pain in her arm.</p><p>“What a silly arm,” she said quietly.</p><p>She closed her eyes. She could still see the sun through her eyelid. She squinted her eye, and flashes of light came through her lashes. She noticed a smell of cigarettes coming in from the next room. Matt came back with a glass of water. His clothes smelled smoky too. Mello looked at him, noticing how hollow his eyes seemed.</p><p>“When have you started smoking?” Mello asked.</p><p>Matt put the glass on the nightstand next to the bed, then looked at Mello without expression.</p><p>“I already did before you left,” he said.</p><p>“Yes, but you said you were quitting,” Mello said. “And you didn’t just say it. I saw it. I saw you wanting to smoke, but you threw your cigarettes away. Then later you regretted it, you said you were going for a walk, but you really went back to get your cigarettes. They weren’t there anymore, and you were so pissed I was almost afraid of coming to your room that night.”</p><p>Matt was already halfway to the door. He didn’t say anything, his breath or posture gave away nothing.</p><p>“We don’t have to hate each other,” Mello said.</p><p>“We don’t,” Matt said.</p><p>Then he was gone.</p><p>Mello listened to the silence that was soon filled with bleeps from Matt’s game. The sun had started to set. Mello looked at how the light on her wall turned red and then faded away. She closed her eyes and thought about Matt’s furious face when he was trying to find his pack of cigarettes among all the trash. How the last moments of that day had made the shadows look sharp, and she returned to her room without seeing Near’s stupid face and waited for the moment to arrive.</p><p>Mello woke up but didn’t open her eyes. Someone was sitting on her bed and holding her hand. Soft fingers caressed her skin. Matt’s breath was heavy with an emotion Mello couldn’t understand. He was whispering quietly. Mello couldn’t hear what he said. She tried to focus harder.</p><p>“Mello,” was the only thing she could hear.</p><p>She thought she should tell him to go away. If he was going to act like she wasn’t worth even talking to, what the fuck was he doing there now?</p><p>Then she realized how nice it felt, having someone innocently touch you, simply hoping for you to feel better. Just being close to someone warm, feeling the way she hadn’t felt while she was all alone was so overwhelming that Mello hoped she could always feel that way.</p><p>But she did have her pride. She should tell Matt to fuck off now. If he wanted to hold her hand, he should apologise for being such an ass and then beg for forgiveness.</p><p>Although, he didn’t know she was awake.</p><p>Maybe she could let him continue for just a while.</p><p>Just a little while.</p><p>She smiled internally.</p><p>She remembered how they used to hold hands under the table during dinner; how Matt would follow her when she wanted to pray and then sat down waiting for her; how he had hugged her with tears in his eyes when he had found her lying on the bathroom floor, carried her to her room, she screamed and tore his shirt when he took care of her wounds. And he gave her a pill to swallow, and everything turned dark and the pain was gone.</p><p>10.</p><p>When Mello woke up the next time, Matt wasn’t there. The sun was already rising. The left side of her body was throbbing unpleasantly, but she didn’t have time to care.</p><p>As slow as possible, she got up and dressed. Matt must have been feeding her painkillers until last night, because now everything seemed clear. And she was in pain.</p><p>Ignoring her head telling her to lie down for the next few years she opened her door. Matt was sound asleep on the sofa. Mello sneaked out. If he woke up now, she would never get out of there.</p><p>She knew where she had to go. She knew she couldn’t let anyone see in how much pain she was right then.</p><p>“You can’t get distracted now,” she said to herself.</p><p>She squeezed the gun that was hidden in her pocket. Everything was as it was supposed to be.</p><p>She should take a shortcut.</p><p>Mello turned around the corner, finding herself walking along a dark alley. There was a group of huge men smoking next to an open door.</p><p>Suddenly she froze. The men were laughing, talking loudly and smoke swirled around them. Four men against a woman would not be fair. Their façade was perfect, they were predators waiting for an innocent prey to walk past them. Then they would bare their teeth and attack without mercy.</p><p>Mello’s legs were shaking. She couldn’t move, she could barely even breathe. Suddenly the ground flipped around, and she found herself lying against cold asphalt. One of the men approached her. Mello felt tears forming into her eyes. The man stopped right next to her.</p><p>“Are you alright?” he asked.</p><p>Mello heard her heart beating fast. She was still unable to move, the left side of her body was burning with pain, and her mind wouldn’t calm down.</p><p>“Are you alright?” the man asked again.</p><p>He bent down and touched her shoulder.</p><p>The next thing Mello knew was herself sitting up and pointing a loaded gun at the man.</p><p>“Don’t you fucking touch me!” she shouted.</p><p>The man’s face was pale and his eyes wide as he slowly retreated. The other men had also notice what was going on, one of them ran inside.</p><p>Mello got up and put the gun back into her pocket.</p><p>Then she turned back and ran. Now it was even more important for her to stay hidden.</p><p>When she returned, Matt was smoking. He was leaning out of the window, staring at a distance. When he heard Mello’s footsteps, he turned around to say something, but she didn’t stop. She went to her room and closed the door.</p><p>For a moment, she could only stare at the wall. She had to crouch down. The pain inside her had been growing gradually ever since the incident, but now it was getting out of control. She felt a flood of tears getting ready to attack.</p><p>“Fuck everything!” she screamed and hit her hands on the ground.</p><p>She grimaced with pain when her left hand touched the hard floor. She got up and kicked the wall, swallowed three painkillers at once and sat down. She had work to do and she couldn’t waste her time on something so ridiculous.</p><p>She barely left her room the following days. She would walk around in her room and mumble to herself. Sometimes she got new ideas and laughed with dry joy. The sun would rise, the sun would set. A bird flew at her window and fell to the ground dead. A fly was buzzing around in her room until she managed to kill it. Every now and then she could hear Matt walking past her door, then returning and listening for a while.</p><p>Then she went out, avoiding all the suspicious places. She came back annoyed. She sat on the creaky chair and watched Matt as he played.</p><p>She watched Matt sleep. The moonlight through the curtains made his skin look grey.</p><p>Mello went to him and woke him up.</p><p>“What?” Matt snapped when he finally woke up to reality.</p><p>“You have to help me,” Mello said.</p><p>Matt looked at her for a moment and yawned before answering, “I don’t have to do anything.”</p><p>Mello grabbed his shirt and pulled him so close to herself she could feel his breath on her face.</p><p>“Yes, you do,” she hissed. “You live here, in my apartment, and you think you don’t have to do anything to pay for it!”</p><p>“You said it was alright if I stayed here,” Matt said. “But if it’s not, I can as well leave.”</p><p>Matt shook her hands off. Mello stood stunned for a moment and then turned around to face Matt who was collecting his things together.</p><p>“You little fuck! You can’t leave me on my own!” she said.</p><p>“I think I can,” Matt said, “or am I so much different from you? You can very well leave without telling me, but I don’t have that luxury?”</p><p>Mello kicked the sofa so hard it moved.</p><p>“What do you want me to do?” she asked. “I had no choice but to go.”</p><p>Matt seemed to have everything ready. He was facing the door as he replied:</p><p>“You could have just said goodbye.”</p><p>He took a step further. Then another one. Mello felt as if the world was moving in slow motion.</p><p>“Why?” she then shrieked. “Why do you care so much? You must have had such cheerful time after I was gone, being able to play your games all day long without me disturbing you. Don’t give me any shit about being lonely or something. You’re never lonely. Why is this such a big deal for you?”</p><p>“You just don’t get it, huh?”</p><p>Matt glanced at her. His eyes were deeper than usual. She could tell even through the stupid goggles.</p><p>“I suppose I can tell it to you now,” he said.</p><p>He was already opening the door.</p><p>“Tell me what?” Mello asked.</p><p>“I loved you.”</p><p>Matt’s voice was echoing in Mello’s head. Why hadn’t she known? She had probably always been too busy thinking about ways to be better than Near and had ignored all the signs. Shit.</p><p>Matt had stepped over the threshold already. Mello couldn’t see his face as she said, “I’m sorry.”</p><p>Matt stopped.</p><p>“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Mello said. “I didn’t know.”</p><p>Matt gave an emotionless laugh.</p><p>“That’s probably because you always cared more about Near than me.”</p><p>Matt looked her straight in the eyes. He pulled the goggles off and suddenly Mello realized how blue his eyes were.</p><p>“I don’t care about that bastard,” Mello said. “I hate him.”</p><p>Matt came back in and closed the door.</p><p>“No, you don’t. You just don’t want to admit it.”</p><p>Matt sat down on the sofa. Mello was still standing, her back facing Matt.</p><p>“I will help you,” Matt said.</p><p>Mello was happy he couldn’t see her face.</p><p>“Thank you,” she said and left.</p><p>Right after she had closed the door behind her, she let the smile break her face in half. She didn’t care about the pain it caused to her left cheek. She smiled until both her cheeks hurt, she smiled even after that, and she fell asleep with a smile on her face.</p><p>11.</p><p>Things didn’t get much better between the two of them. They did work together, they did talk to each other, and they even sometimes looked at each other with a smile, but a certain distance lingered between them. When they were sitting in a car, Matt would lean against the door. Sometimes he looked like he tried to become flat so that Mello’s finger wouldn’t accidentally brush his knee when she touched the gear stick.</p><p>They mostly talked about what they were planning to do, what they knew about Kira and what they had already done. Occasionally Mello would nag at Matt for paying too much attention on his games rather than the investigation. They only contacted each other when necessary. They didn’t even stay in the same apartment anymore.</p><p>Mello had started to have nightmares about a man whose hair was slick with gel, whose breath smelled of lust, whose cock was thin and who let his hot semen spurt inside her. She always woke up distressed, blamed it on her injuries and made sure she never went to see Matt if her eyes were red.</p><p>When Mello realized they had to go to Japan to continue their investigations, she felt relieved. That man could not follow her there.</p><p>She was wrong.</p><p>Distance had always seemed like the best way to escape things you didn’t want to face. Mello could sleep without wondering about Matt’s feelings, because he wasn’t there even though he was. Every now and then she could forget that bastard Near and focus on resting.</p><p>But she could not forget what it felt like to lose control of her own body, to be forced to be weak.</p><p>Mello and Matt were now both hiding in the same apartment. Mello tried to avoid him as much as possible, but with a limited amount of rooms it proved to be difficult most of the time. Mello tried not to care and adopted a habit of only crying in the shower.</p><p>12.</p><p>They had been working in silence for hours, when Matt yawned and said:</p><p>“I think we could take a break. In fact, I think we <em>should</em> do something refreshing.”</p><p>Mello didn’t stop looking at the maps and statistics she had on the table in front of her.</p><p>“What do you think is ‘refreshing’?” she asked. “We don’t have time for anything extra before I have beaten the crap out of Near. If you want something different, go for a walk.”</p><p>Matt didn’t say anything. Mello was focusing very hard to understand the structure of the places through the maps. She was brought back to reality when the maps were swept away.</p><p>Mello looked up to Matt’s grinning face.</p><p>“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” she shouted.</p><p>Furious, Mello got up and started to organize the papers. Matt took a hold of her hand and waited until her annoyed eyes were looking at his face.</p><p>“Oh, come on, Mello,” he said. “We can have a little break. Let’s go somewhere nice.”</p><p>“Let’s not go anywhere!” Mello said.</p><p>“Please? I need more cigarettes.”</p><p>Mello shook off his hand that was still holding her wrist.</p><p>“Then go buy some,” she said.</p><p>“I’ll get lost,” Matt said.</p><p>He was now helping her to pick up all the papers he had thrown to the floor.</p><p>“I wish,” Mello muttered.</p><p>“We haven’t done anything fun ever since we met,” Matt said. “Come on. You know we have time to go for a drink or two.”</p><p>“Stop insisting,” Mello said.</p><p>She was now trying to put the papers back in order.</p><p>“I seem to be missing a page,” she said.</p><p>“I have no idea where it could be,” Matt said innocently.</p><p>Mello shot a furious look at him.</p><p>“Where did you put it?” she asked.</p><p>Her breath was heavy, and she was quickly counting to ten to calm herself down.</p><p>“I don’t know anything of such papers,” Matt said.</p><p>“Where the fuck is it?” Mello shouted.</p><p>She pushed Matt against the wall, her other hand a fist around the collar of his shirt, her other hand pushing firmly against the wall right next to his ear.</p><p>“You can beat me to death,” Matt said quietly, “but you’ll never find out where I put it.”</p><p>Mello slapped him. The sound of flesh hitting flesh echoed through the room. Matt didn’t move, his face didn’t show any emotions. Mello felt her insides boiling.</p><p>“You will never find out,” Matt said.</p><p>His voice was almost a whisper. How fragile his body felt. She could poke him a bit and his ribs would snap. She could squeeze him a bit and he would collapse to the floor dead.</p><p>Mello raised her fist. She was aiming it straight to Matt’s stupid face. She was wondering how much power she would need to break his nose and the goggles, how much it would take to make his bones scatter on the floor.</p><p>And she saw a glimpse of a tear in the corner of his eye.</p><p>Mello threw herself backwards. What had she been doing? All that because a stupid page that didn’t even contain the most vital information. How could she ever look him in to eye again?</p><p>“Let’s go,” she said, heading to the door. “I’ll treat you.”</p><p>13.</p><p>Secretly Mello smiled when she saw the happiness on Matt’s face. They were walking down a busy street, then disappeared to a smaller street. Mello was wondering if she should say something. She should apologize.</p><p>“I know a place that looks nice,” Matt said.</p><p>“You little shit! You told me you’d get lost alone,” Mello said.</p><p>“Did I? I must have meant to say something different.”</p><p>They kept walking in silence. Mello was looking at Matt’s face secretly every time he was looking away. This was the first time she realised how much Matt had grown during the years they had spent apart. He had always been taller than her, but right now the difference in height seemed overwhelming.</p><p>“Let’s go this way,” Matt said suddenly. “This is a shortcut.”</p><p>They turned into a narrow alley. Mello’s heart skipped a few beats, but she continued to walk with him. The alley didn’t look like the one she saw in her dreams every night, but this feeling seemed to have something to do with narrow places where it was difficult to escape.</p><p>There were some people scattered on the other end of the alley. They were young and they laughed loudly. Matt had lit up a cigarette and smoke made a curtain around him. Mello looked at his thoughtful face.</p><p>The voices reached them. There were men in the group. Mello looked at them and they seemed tall and strong. She pushed her hand into her pocket, to make sure she had her gun with her. Her heart was beating so fast she thought she might faint soon.</p><p>“Are you alright?” came a voice.</p><p>Matt was looking at her. She realized she had stopped walking and was now standing in the middle of an unknown alley, squeezing the hem of her coat with her other hand, while the fingers of her other hand were brushing against the hard material of her gun.</p><p>“I’m fine,” she said.</p><p>Her voice was nothing but a breathless whisper.</p><p>“Seriously, what’s wrong?”</p><p>Matt stepped closer. His cigarette had fallen to the ground. Mello could still smell the fresh smoke surrounding him.</p><p>“Mello?” Matt said. “Are you ill? You’re so pale.”</p><p>“I’m fine,” Mello said.</p><p>Her voice was almost lost. Her vision was sharper than usual, she could see every little detail. She could hear every breath the group of young men took. She could feel the leather against her skin, how her hair brushed her shoulder, how the air pressed against her when Matt moved closer.</p><p>Matt was now standing right next to her. He raised his hand towards her.</p><p>“Mello,” she heard him say.</p><p>Suddenly it felt like she had been under a spell and now it had broken. The world was correct, she could breathe again, and slowly, she let go of her gun. She looked at Matt’s worried face and smiled.</p><p>“I’m fine.”</p><p>Then Matt’s hand touched her shoulder. It was a gentle pressure against her coat, just like a soft summer breeze passing.</p><p>And she saw him in front of her. The groomed face that had taken the shape of the devil, slick hair glistening in the sun, and the hollow eyes devoured her. Mello heard his shallow breaths, the sound of a zipper, and a hand was pressing her to the ground. The clumsy hands tore off her clothes, his cock pushed inside her, even though he wasn’t completely hard yet. And he pushed and he pushed, and she filled with nausea and she screamed in hopes of dying.</p><p>She felt schizophrenic. The other Mello was lying in the dirty ground being fucked so hard she thought she would rip. The other Mello could hear Matt’s worried calls, strangers coming closer, footsteps and her own scream. She was holding her head, crouching, all she could see was the sand on the asphalt.</p><p>“Should we call an ambulance?” an unknown voice said.</p><p>“What’s wrong?” Matt asked.</p><p>“You feel good,” the man said and squeezed her neck until she couldn’t breathe anymore.</p><p>She felt sharp pain on her cheek. It made her lose her balance. As a pile of nothing more than flesh and cloth she lay on the rough ground. Suddenly everything was silent. She could still feel the dirty semen inside her, the sleazy gaze of his eyes trailing her whimpering body.</p><p>Mello threw up. Matt was holding her and a couple of random people from the group were still standing close by.</p><p>Matt looked at them.</p><p>“I think I can handle this now,” he said. “Thank you.”</p><p>“Are you sure you don’t need any help?” one of the girls asked. “My car is right there. I could drive you to the hospital.”</p><p>“It’s fine,” Matt said. “I’ll take care of her.”</p><p>14.</p><p>Once more she was carried by Matt all the way back to their apartment, where he gently put her down on the bed. He helped her get rid of the coat and brought her a glass of water. Then he seemed uncertain of what to do next.</p><p>Mello looked at his restless standing for a while before saying:</p><p>“You can sit down, you know.”</p><p>Matt still seemed hesitant but finally sat down on the edge of her bed.</p><p>Silence surrounded them. Mello knew that Matt wanted to know. She knew she should tell him, but every time she tried to open her mouth to say something, it felt as if she had forgotten how to speak. She was hoping Matt would really just ask her, but he stayed silent. He was probably as confused as she was.</p><p>“Sorry,” she said after gathering all her willpower.</p><p>The look on Matt’s face was so confused Mello felt an urge to laugh.</p><p>“About what?” Matt asked.</p><p>“You didn’t get your drink,” Mello said.</p><p>Matt blinked. Then he got up and came closer to Mello.</p><p>“Is that seriously what you’re thinking about?” he asked. “I don’t care about drinks. I don’t care about anything but knowing that you’re alright.”</p><p>His face was suddenly shadowed by something that looked like embarrassment. He turned around.</p><p>“I mean,” he said, “what happened? You looked so frightened… I have never seen you like that before. I thought you were dying or something.”</p><p>“It was just…” Mello started but didn’t know how to continue. “It was nothing.”</p><p>“Nothing?” Matt snapped. “Do you call that nothing?”</p><p>He was now looking straight at her. He didn’t have his goggles on. Mello was wondering when he had taken them off. His eyes were terrifyingly bare.</p><p>Mello sat up slowly. Her head was spinning but she ignored it. She didn’t let her gaze wander off Matt’s face.</p><p>“Do you even understand how worried I was?” Matt asked.</p><p>Mello stood up.</p><p>“You don’t have to worry about me,” Mello said.</p><p>“That’s not true and you know it,” Matt said. “Do you think I haven’t noticed how odd you have been ever since we first met? Sure, it’s been years since we knew each other, but I don’t think the world would have changed you to what you are now.”</p><p>“And what am I?” Mello asked.</p><p>She wasn’t looking at his face anymore. The pain that was now visible in his eyes was too much for her.</p><p>“You’re so broken,” Matt said.</p><p>His voice was fading, and for a moment Mello feared that he would start fading too.</p><p>“Matt,” she said. “I want you to tell me something. Why do you care so much? What exactly do you feel towards me?”</p><p>For a moment she regretted asking him. She didn’t want to get an answer, yet she needed to know.</p><p>“What am I to you?” she asked.</p><p>She looked into his eyes. They were burning blue.</p><p>“I love you more than I ever have,” Matt said, his voice nothing but a whisper.</p><p>Their eyes were locked together. Mello wasn’t sure if they had already been standing that close or if they had just moved closer. She felt the warmth of his body right in front of her, every breath he took she could feel on her skin.</p><p>“I never forgot,” he said. “I kept waiting and waiting. You never came back. I loved you, even though you didn’t love me back.”</p><p>A shiver ran down Mello’s spine. A sudden wave of panic crashed into her. She had never thought about a situation like this.</p><p>“I wanted you to come back to me, and you never did,” Matt said. “I never realized you could have been so blind. I never thought you didn’t know.”</p><p>His lips brushed hers. The smell of cigarettes surrounded her as his arms found their place around her. His soft lips pressed firmly against hers, the tip of his tongue trailed over her lower lip. The taste of nicotine and tears entered her mouth, their saliva twined together, and their tongues were slippery with need.</p><p>Matt’s arms were strong around her. He pulled her closer, so close she thought they would become one. She felt the warmth of his hands on her back and on her hips. Gently he pushed her down on the bed. The rustle of sheets filled the air and mixed with the wet sounds of their kiss. Matt’s fingers brushed her cheek and she felt herself blushing. His groin was pushing against her thigh and suddenly the room seemed to run out of oxygen.</p><p>With a strangled cry Mello pushed him away. She couldn’t breathe. Her hair was sticking to her sweaty skin, she sat up and tried to breathe. Tears were dropping on the sheets, making plopping sounds, and her knuckles were turning white when she felt her nails digging into the soft flesh of her palm.</p><p>“Matt,” she cried out. “Matt. Matt. I’m...”</p><p>Matt’s scent surrounded her as he got closer.</p><p>“Mello, what can I do?” he asked. “What do you need?”</p><p>“Hold me,” she cried. “Hold me so tight it hurts. Crush me, please, hold me until I die.”</p><p>Matt’s arms were around her, squeezing her tightly against his skinny chest. Mello let herself drown into the bony form, her arms around his neck she leaned in.</p><p>“Harder,” she said. “I can’t breathe. Kill me with your two arms. Hug me to death.”</p><p>Mello kept talking feverishly. Matt tightened his grip and whispered into her hair. He lulled her, held her so hard her bones hurt. Matt’s shirt was dripping with her tears. Mello’s arms ached, but she needed more. She wanted to disappear, to become nothing.</p><p>Little by little she felt the pain subside. Matt’s whispers were muffled by her shoulder. Slowly she loosened her grip, felt Matt’s arms copy hers, and eventually she was sitting in front of him, looking at his affectionate face.</p><p>They didn’t say anything. It didn’t feel necessary. They sat there close to each other, looking at each other. Their bodies were so close yet so far, but for the first time in her life Mello felt that she had truly crossed the distance that separated two people from each other.</p><p>Almost shyly Mello let her hand touch Matt’s cheek. She could feel little movements of his muscles. Her fingertips dipped into the shaggy hair. Matt didn’t touch her back. He looked at her, closed his eyes and slowly opened them again.</p><p>“Matt,” Mello whispered.</p><p>“Mello,” he said.</p><p>“Prove me wrong,” Mello said. “Show me that all men are not bastards.”</p><p>“How am I supposed to prove that?” Matt asked.</p><p>Mello got closer. Her hand was buried into his hair, her fingers massaging his scalp in little circles. Slowly, her bosom pressed against his chest, their breaths became one.</p><p>“Fuck me,” Mello whispered into his ear. “Fuck me and make me feel good and loved.”</p><p>Mello pressed her lips on his forehead, trailing down onto his cheek. A little kiss was pressed on the tip of his nose, the corner of his mouth, his chin. Mello looked at his half-lidded eyes when she let her lips brush his.</p><p>They let themselves get lost into a kiss that was soft and wet, and fiery and needy. Matt moved slowly. He caressed her hair while his other hand was counting her vertebrae. His fingers were soft. Mello felt as if she was going to melt into those arms.</p><p>Matt’s tongue caressed her lips and her mouth, the taste of cigarettes mixed with the taste of chocolate. Mello felt a twitch between her legs when she imagined that tongue pressing inside her somewhere much lower than her mouth. She rolled her hips against Matt’s firm body.</p><p>Matt’s hands were wandering over her. One found its way under her vest and stroked her stomach before leaving again. Skilful fingers pulled the vest open, brushing her breasts on their way down. The touch of cool air made her nipples erect.</p><p>Mello lay down and pulled Matt with her. Their mouths were still firmly pressed together, both of them unable to tell who had their tongue in the other’s mouth. Matt’s hands landed on Mello’s breasts. He barely even touched them first, letting teasing brushes fall all over the soft skin before adding more pressure to the touch. His fingers played with her nipples, making them get even harder. Mello felt a relentless throbbing in her crotch that was electrified by every little touch on her skin.</p><p>Matt pulled away from the kiss.</p><p>“Mello, your breasts are so perfect,” he said hoarsely as he started to pull off his shirt.</p><p>Mello reached out to help him. Soon their mouths met again, and as her bare chest pressed against his smooth skin, she moaned into the kiss. Mello’s hands were exploring Matt’s back feeling every little twitch of the muscles under his skin. Matt’s lips let go of hers only to land on her neck. He sucked gently, then slightly harder, making her groan. He seemed to instinctively find all the right spots.</p><p>Mello’s underwear was now soaking wet. She wasn’t sure for how long she could go this slow. She ached to be touched there, she wanted to feel flesh find its way inside her.</p><p>A flash of a carnivorous grin and hard asphalt made her freeze. Matt stopped immediately.</p><p>“Are you alright?” he asked. “What’s wrong?”</p><p>Mello didn’t say anything. A part of her realized she was squeezing Matt’s shoulder with such force it must have been painful. The rest of her was paralyzed with fear.</p><p>“Do you want me to stop?” Matt asked.</p><p>“Yes,” Mello said quietly. “Don’t touch me.”</p><p>Matt got up. He stayed on the bed but made sure he didn’t touch her even through fabric or the blanket.</p><p>“How are you?” he asked.</p><p>Mello tried to calm down.</p><p>“If I told you to leave now, would you?” she asked.</p><p>“Do you want me to?” Matt asked.</p><p>He got up but waited for her to confirm. Instead Mello sat up and looked at his half naked body.</p><p>“No,” she said then. “I want you to stay. I need you to fuck me.”</p><p>Matt came closer again. Mello pulled him on top of her.</p><p>“Can I make love to you instead?” Matt asked.</p><p>Mello answered by kissing him. Her hands were already opening his jeans. She felt his fingers brush past her hips and stop at the waistband of her trousers. Matt was unbelievably quick removing the tight-fitting leather garment.</p><p>They lay on the bed, Matt on top of Mello. The heat of their bodies had made the room feel hot. Mello felt Matt’s erection against her stomach. He was so hard she found it hard to believe he had the power to restrain himself from fucking her senselessly.</p><p>“Are you sure this is okay?” Matt asked.</p><p>Mello simply nodded.</p><p>“Tell me if you want me to stop,” Matt said.</p><p>Mello didn’t react in any way to this. Her hands were squeezing his sides.</p><p>Matt let one finger find its way through the slick folds to her clitoris. He stroked a bit and Mello’s hips rocked against the touch. Matt let his finger move lower.</p><p>“My God you’re wet,” he sighed.</p><p>Mello was trying to relax but it seemed impossible. Matt’s finger was now pressing against her entrance, ready to go into her body.</p><p>“Matt,” she whispered. “Tell me something nice.”</p><p>Matt’s finger stayed perfectly still as he said, “I love you, Mello. I don’t want to hurt you.”</p><p>Slowly Mello started to realize that the finger was slipping inside her. She threw her arms around Matt’s slim body and squeezed her eyes shut.</p><p>“It’s okay, Mello,” Matt said. “It’s okay.”</p><p>His voice was soothing and warm. Mello pressed her face against his shoulder, and felt the finger move inside her.</p><p>“More,” she sobbed.</p><p>“Are you crying?” Matt asked.</p><p>He used his free hand to turn her face towards him. As he pressed another finger in, he kissed her cheeks and caressed her hair with lazy fingers. Mello shut her eyes again and felt soft kisses pressed onto her eyelids. She wasn’t sure how many fingers Matt had inside her, but she wasn’t getting used to it yet.</p><p>“Matt,” she said. “I need your cock inside me. Now.”</p><p>Matt pulled his fingers out. He gave her a lazy kiss before spreading her legs a bit more. Mello felt the tip or his erection against her folds.</p><p>“Are you ready?” Matt asked.</p><p>Mello opened her eyes. She had to make sure it was Matt and no one else.</p><p>“You look so fearful,” Matt said.</p><p>“You love me, don’t you?” Mello asked.</p><p>“I love you, Mello,” Matt said. “I love you.”</p><p>His erection was now pressing inside her. Their eyes were locked together. Mello’s vision was going blurry with all the tears gathering in her eyes. Matt was stroking her hair, and his cock pushed further in.</p><p>He was big. Almost huge. Mello hadn’t expected that. She felt her vagina stretch as he pushed further. Her heart was beating fast, but not because of fear.</p><p>“Matt,” she moaned. “You’re so big.”</p><p>Matt was hesitating.</p><p>“That’s a good thing,” Mello added quickly.</p><p>Then she felt a smile spread across her face. Matt smiled too and pressed a kiss on her happy lips.</p><p>“I’m all in,” he said then.</p><p>The feeling of being filled like this was overwhelming. Mello felt the pressure of his throbbing cock inside her, and it made her forget about everything else in the world. A looming picture of the groomed man was finally starting to fade.</p><p>“Can I move?” Matt asked.</p><p>Mello noticed how desperate he looked. It must have been difficult to him to go this far without getting full attention to his erection, and now that he was finally inside her he didn’t even dare move.</p><p>Mello rocked her hips slightly. That was enough to make Matt lose control. He pulled out and then pushed in with a steady rhythm. Mello felt intense pleasure building up inside her. She couldn’t see anything but Matt’s sweaty face, she couldn’t hear anything but his quiet moans and sobs, she didn’t need to feel anything but the cock thrusting in her.</p><p>“Harder,” she cried out and Matt obeyed.</p><p>Their hips slammed together, Matt’s hands were roaming her body, their mouths clashed together just to let go to make room for their groans.</p><p>Mello had never realized how sexy Matt could sound when he was fucking. The little sighs and moans all intertwined into a lustful song of pure pleasure. Mello drank them all in, let them echo in her ears.</p><p>That was too much for her to handle. With wild spasms of her muscles she came, her back arching and pressing her body harder against Matt’s. She screamed his name as waves of pleasure washed her clean and heard Matt reply when he was pulled over the edge too.</p><p>15.</p><p>Two days later they were reviewing their plan.</p><p>“Are you sure Takada will come with you?” Matt asked.</p><p>“I know that personal bodyguard of hers. She’ll trust me,” Mello replied. “The important thing is that you remember to flee right after triggering the chaos.”</p><p>“Of course. But even more important is that you’ll stay alive,” Matt said.</p><p>Mello laughed and kissed Matt. Their tongues brushed together only slightly before she broke the kiss.</p><p>“You’ll get more tonight,” she said. “Now the bitch is going down.”</p><p>“Right,” Matt said.</p><p>He sat into his car. Mello watched him drive off before she followed on her motorbike.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>This fic has stayed in my memory merely because it was the longest one I had ever written.</p><p><a href="https://twitter.com/mean_whale">twitter</a> - <a href="https://mean-whale.dreamwidth.org/557.html">my writing list</a></p></blockquote></div></div>
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